T.A. Michaels

 The new year is just a few days away. While it's easy to figure out a few things resolutions for the new year. The important thing is to make sure they are obtainable. 2023 didn't work out exactly as i had planned. But, 2024 is a fresh start and with time, patience, and practice... these goals should be achievable. Goal 1: Health and Fitness     I'm currently hovering around 245lbs. I am down from two years ago at my peak of 270lbs... But i still have a long way to go in order to reach my goal weight of 175lbs. In order to achieve it (if it's even possible anymore) I'll have to modify my diet and exercise routine. I am working towards a weight loss goal of 1lbs per week throughout 2024. That would put me around 193lbs by the end of next year. Reaching 193lbs would be an awesome feat. And I'd be especially happy to get there. I once had a female roommate that told me fat people were disgusting. That was before i gained weight. I'm curious to think of what sh...

 Putting someone with a mental disorder in charge of financial decisions is not always the best move. While it should promote personal growth and responsibility, It instead causes undue stress and a fight or flight response like nobody's business. It seems that with each dollar we earn... we spend about $1.002 cents.. which might not seem like a lot. But the faction of a penny overage is putting us into a situation that i hadnt expected this time last year. Tax season is around the corner.. so theres that... and we are contributing to weekly savings (Pay yourself first)... I just really didnt want to have to get a second job just to afford rent. Aye... it is what it is i guess.  It's been two months since i quit smoking cigarettes... and over a year since i quit drinking. I guess i just expected the money to start stacking up by now. In time? Hopefully... I'm just hoping that it doesnt take 5 years for there to be any real progress. Debt consolidation is good... but its not...

This past weekend wasn't all that great. On Thursday, I started to come down with a fever. Covid had been going around the office so I decided to test myself and it came back positive. By Mid-Day Friday i had to leave work early... the following 36 hours were filled with sleep and sweating. I'm pretty sure when i woke up Sunday morning the blanket on the bed was completely soaked. Sunday morning I took it slow though and cleaned up the house. Mainly being determined not to sink into a depression as a result of the illness. Today, Tuesday, I feel much better. With the exception of a stuffy nose and nasally voice - you wouldnt know I was sick at all.  I'm glad i got it out of the way for the season early. I'd rather burn the sick time this year than next. I think that's what happened this year... back in January i got sick for 4 days and it burned through nearly all of my sick time for the year. Today has been good so far though. It's about 5:30am in the morning.....

 Today is a bad day. Generally speaking when i write journal entries or blog posts.. I try to keep them upbeat and optimistic. Basically hoping for the best in the day and for life in general. Today, however, is not one of those days. Nervous optimism has given way to paranoia and suspicion. I don't know this to be true... But i feel like people are out to get me. The reason for this is a listing of recent events that have been happening. A couple of months back.. I was at a bar and a man asked if i wanted a cigar. I said sure. The thing smelt worse than most men's Assholes. I smoked it... and if it wasn't for the fact that i had switched to a 100% water policy when going out to public places... I probably would have died. All night long i had soaking sweats and by morning... my bed, and myself smelt like someone had pissed themselves for 12 hours straight in the bed. His primary intention was to get me sent to Samuel Slater Hospital so i could be locked away for the rest o...

 It's been a bit since I last wrote. I've been working on several different things at the moment. Recently I had been diagnosed with ADHD along side my Schizoaffective disorder - So I've been trying to process that for a bit. I didn't want a stimulant medication such as Adderall. The reason being is I have known to many people who have abused the medication over the years. Basically taking it as a street drug rather than an actual medication. As a result - I was put on a medication that assists with Focus and concentration but doesn't cause you to race around. I'm finding it effective though. The half life on the medication is roughly 18 hours... so usually by 3pm its wearing off. While I do find my evening to be a bit chaotic, It's worth while in the sense that my mornings are becoming more productive (Both inside, and Outside of work). I'm doing my best towards quitting smoking and I've been making an active effort to get back into the gym. My weig...

 This past week i struggled quite a bit. I don't know if its a matter of depression or inability to focus... but according to my doctor, it all leads to Smoking Cigarettes. Basically my repeated attempts at quitting smoking have left my system in shock. While I do nicotine replacement therapy (The Patch), I find it that my mood has been fluctuating more than normal these past few weeks. It could be circumstantial, basically a mix of fears and worries over things that I have no control over... Or it could be that the "need" to quit is throwing me into some sort of existential identity Crisis which is taking over my mood. Yesterday I played video games for the first time in a while. It actually went quite well. Both Computer games and Video games were fun to play. While I didnt really start playing until almost 8pm... I was able to complete two missions over the course of four hours. I will be attempting to create a schedule for myself for monday and tuesday nights. My sist...

 Overall, I'm happy. Things have been moving in a positive direction for the last month or so. Most of the paranoid thoughts from earlier this year have started to subside. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been getting positive reinforcement from my friends / family / coworkers, or if it's just a matter that the things that were once bothering me are no longer a concern. There's still areas for improvement. But I feel that overtime, those areas will in fact improve also.  Really it's just going to take time for everything. I cant expect to win a race against myself on day one. It's going to take time to resolve some of the mental roadblocks that I've been encountering for the last few years. Time management is going to be a focus for the next few months. And by time management I mean structuring my day in order to accomplish my goals.  While I find it difficult to stick to a routine... The Micro Habits that I need to establish will ultimately ...

 66 days to create a habit. 3 Days to change a habit. 1 day to break a habit. That's the thought process at least. While the book, The Power of Habit, outlines that habits usually take 66 days to form. Changing a habit is a matter of using the same Start and Finish... and changing the routine. A good example of how this works is when the Alcoholic (Who only socially drinks) switches from drinking alcohol to water when going to the same bar he or she always goes to. The Start - Going to the bar and the Finish - Socializing with friends.. remains the same. The change is the switch from drinking alcohol to water. This can be quite effective in quitting alcohol. The harder process is the creation of new habits from scratch. For example... if you were a 3 year old... and you wanted to start the habit of  brushing your teeth... it might be a bit difficult to keep the habit going if you didn't have a parent keeping you on track. So the question becomes, When you're in your 30s or ...

So... I've been rather Obsessed with Zeds Dead since seeing them in Boston a couple of months ago. I'm not sure why. They are an extremely good EDM group. And I think it might be the fact that the music is good... but i've been finding myself listening to them very often. While Katie has already moved on to other music... I haven't yet found something that peaks my interest. Maybe soon I'll hear something that I end up obsessing over for a few months. Today was rough. Aside from the fact that I'm sun burnt to the point of laughing at myself... The work day was... different. I'm trying to pin it all on the new medication that I'm on. Incase I didn't mention it sooner, I am now on a non stimulate ADHD medication which appears to be working quite well. My day flew by for the most part. However, my boss was finding it odd. As he said I seemed "muted" today. Really I was dealing with the fact that every inch of my skin was stinging anytime I mov...

I'm rather uncomfortable right now. Today Katie, her friend, and I went to the beach. Now... maybe years ago I was more tan... or maybe years ago the sun wasn't as strong... But.. damn... a few hours out in the sun and I am roasted. Even the tan parts of me have a sun burn. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough night of sleeping. The beach was nice though. Katie and I have gone walking by the beach for a few years... but we haven't actually gone swimming. Salt water is healing. Katie and I are both water signs and i always find swimming to be therapeutic. The only downside today was that there was red tide. Lots of it. I wonder if it was that way at all the beaches in Rhode Island this weekend... or if it was just the southern most beaches.  I'm looking to start a business in the next few weeks with a friend. We are collaborating on the idea now... but i'm thinking sometime in the next month or so we might actually have something off the ground. It's not...

It's Saturday, the 22nd. It's been a good day so far. I woke up relatively early.  When I woke up, I headed down to my Therapy appointment. I find it to be somewhat therapeutic. I guess that's the point right. It's just hard to remember everything that comes up over the course of the month. Generally its a matter of  "So whats new" and then just going from there. And while there's new things that pop up everyday... It's hard to explain everything. I usually stick to general topics, Work... Katie... Health... and Family. Sometimes i get the impression the guy doesn't even want me in his care.. Hell... I've gotten that from a few doctors and therapists now... That could be my own paranoia though.  After Therapy i went over my uncles house. The last time i saw him was in the late winter. It's funny because growing up i idealized him. And i think that overtime i ended up going in a different direction. Between that... and me just not having eno...

Powerball last night was up to 1 Billion Dollars. It's difficult to image someone one day just walking up to another person and handing them a check that much. Especially from a lottery win. Now granted, i realize it's not the full one billion. Taxes... the Lotteries commission... the Place that sells it... it's probably more like half a billion dollars. Maybe even less. Still... Handing out a check for that much money is crazy. What would I do if that happened to me? Probably have a heart attack or stroke... I don't think I would throw it away. I think that I'd have more money than I knew what to do with. I probably wouldn't run out and buy a 20 million dollar yacht. It's not practical. I don't even have my boating license. I'd probably start my own charity.. Not sure what for though. I've had a few charity ideas over the years... between scholarships and organization. Hell... one day i wanted to organize a ton of people to clean up a few heavil...

 It's about 4:00 AM. It's early to say the least. Saturday night I had to cover a shift for a coworker so I ended up sleeping almost 12 Hours yesterday afternoon into this morning. So far it's been productive. I woke up, took a shower, Went and Got a coffee, Picked up deodorant from Walgreens. Came home, Brush my teeth, and wrote out a plan for My Morning / Evening routines going forward. One thing I'm finding is that with the additional of the new medication is just how much it effects me. When I first took it Sunday morning...my mind felt like it had a complete melt down for an incident which took place around 10am. Granted... I had been up all night so I'm sure that had an impact... but never the less, I wasn't able to function correctly for my job. It's just something that I need to be aware of going forward because if i am going to be picking up on-call engagements.... I have to be hyper aware of the side effects. The other thing I noticed about the new...

This past Thursday, I had an appointment with my Medication manager. We discussed a running pattern which had been taking place over the last 20 years (Since the end of highschool). Basically a situation where i struggle at the start... ramp up to great within a given situation... then i push just a little bit past 100%... and end up running out of steam or burning out within the situation. I can think of atleast a few times this has happpened. 17, 22, 31, and damn near 37. The root cause of this... might have been discovered.  While we are still on the early stages of the diagnosis... and i haven't been treated yet with Medication (I picked up the medication but i am not starting it until tomorrow night (Sunday) due to a work obligation. I am hopeful that in 6-8 weeks we can make a good determination as to whether or not i - in fact - have ADHD. When thinking about Highschool and Middle school. The likely reason these symptoms didnt present themselves is because I had more than en...

 I was at the gas station today wearing a band T-Shirt. It is a Deftones T-Shirt that I had bought for the two of us when we went to their concert last year in Boston. The person behind the counter stated that she liked my shirt. I said thanks, and told her the story of how I got it (briefly). She said that the band has started to blow up among younger people. I find this interesting because I've been listening to the band since I was 14. When I was young... the band was blowing up. Not just with Younger people, but with the entire metal scene as it was in its infancy. Thinking about it now though... that was 20 years ago.  The lesson i guess is a matter of following the trends. I saw Deftones one other time prior to that. It must have been 2002 or 2003... and they were playing a small club in Providence. One of the greatest music venues in the state. Lupo's Heartbreak Hotel. This was back when it was on Westminster street... before JWU bought most of the street and the rest o...

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a stranger. We had come to the conclusion that the English suck. Which is interesting because according to my father... I'm part English. Between the crusades, and the transatlantic slave trade... the English in the 2nd Millenia were terrible people. When thinking about the advancements of the English during the same time period... there wasn't much to write home about. Accept maybe the creation of divorce in the Church, a few great minds, and the end to the British royal family as the leader of England - instead turning it over to the governing bodies which represent the people. While you can renounce your faith, your government, or even your profession... its impossible to renounce your heritage. Unfortunately, English DNA is the genetic makeup of my body, as well as a few other things (If I even decide to take a genetic test, I'll know for certain). It's something I can't escape from. An unlucky roll of the dice at...

So, I think i may have found a way to make this easier. It's going to a take a bit of getting used to. But, in theory, it should may my entries more productive and a bit easier to write. I forget sometimes that we live in the year 2023 and there are plenty of options available when it comes to expressing our thoughts. First the hammer and chissle.. then the quill and ink... then the pen and pencil... and ultimately the keyboard. But the keyboard comes in different options.  Today has been good so far. This morning was productive. Katie and I went for a walk which is something we really hadnt done since the spring. Then when we got back we had lunch and watched an episode of Black Mirror. It was a unique episode to say the least. With Black Mirror, they usually are though. Now... im working on getting motivated for the coming week. Even though it's "The weekend" and by most holy religions its a rest day... our society doesnt work that way and by all rights neither shou...

Self doubt is a bitch. I'm working through some major issues regarding my ability to function as a human being. Part of me says I should go easy on myself. I have a major mental disorder and given the fact that I do so much already... I should count myself lucky given the fact that many people with my disorder are not able to function has highly. (My doctor states that I'm high functioning). One thing that's been identified recently is my "Need" for physical activity. 45-90 Minutes of moderate to intense physical activity several times per week is needed in order to maintain the correct mental framework so that way i stay on point, focused, and out of depression. That is probably true for anyone... But its extremely true for me. Once i get back on track with "a" routine... then things should start to fall back into place. Starting a habit takes 66 days... or something like that. And Looking at July / August / September... If i can start a series of Micro...

Today is June 30th. January first was 179 Days ago. December 31st is 184 days. So technically even though we mark the end of the first 6 months of the year today. We are still less than half way through the year. The half way mark will be July 2nd at 12 noon. I'll try to always remember that. That way, when i attempt to make changes in my life. As long as I make the change by July 1st... It will have been done within the first half of the year.   As I embark on another life journey tonight, I go into it knowing that there is hope for us. Even though the month of June has had many sad moments for those I care about... I know that this is the cycle of life. And not some twisted sense of fate which is driving those closest to me to sorrow. I've thought about consulting a priest... but to be honest that doesn't fall in line with my "faith." I think in the end... a monk would be a better person to talk to.  I'll end my crusade against the memories of those who were...

 Today was rather frustrating. I have a long term project at work that we did a cut over on Today and it didn't go well. Between frequent calls with the client... and just a general sense of being tired... I think i got caught in a hot mic moment because I swore after getting off the phone with them... and I'm honestly not sure if the call had hung up yet. Granted... I'm almost 40... but it kind of sucks not being able to voice my thoughts in a manner I'm used to.  Needless to say it's been weighing on me for part of the evening. The only plus side today is the fact we got paid today. (Well, Katie did). I hit the bank and moved money around... Then went and got one of my tattoo's touched up. My next tattoo appointment is September 30th @ 4:00pm to get the underside of my sleeve tattoo finished. He's estimating about 3 hours for the tattoo which is reasonable. It's probably going to hurt a bunch.. which I'm fully expecting because the closer you get t...

 A lot has happened since I last wrote. Some of it has been good. Some of it has been bad. Overall though, Things are on the up. Let me fill you in... When I last left off, Katie and I had just gotten married. The honeymoon has it's good moments and it's bad moments. For instance... setting sail to another country was fun. Going on the day trips and adventures were nice and we took lots of pictures to capture the memories. On the other hand... the "adult" atmosphere of the cruise ship nearly ended the marriage. A certain addiction (Gambling) ended up coming back out into the open and while I'm not proud of what I did by any means... being 500 feet away from a casino at all times on the ship is a bit rough... especially for a problem gambler. Katie... ultimately forgave me for my mistakes. In November... I quit drinking. Today makes 222 days since my last drop of alcohol (November 15th 2022). Being sober has it's perks. For instance... I've lost a bit of we...