Half the year gone... Half the year to go.

 I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I could start with yesterday, then work my way backwards. Yesterday i had my annual Physical. The wait in the waiting room seemed long but to be honest the actual appointment went better than expected. The Doctor and I get along well. He's aware of my mental condition which - full disclosure - led to some very interesting stories for me to recall to him. He said it would make great material for a book. Truthfully while the adventures I've gone on while not medicated are incredible in the sense of "how did i survive?" The truth is that I put myself and a lot of other people in danger as a result. I got my blood work done this morning... So hopefully that doesn't come back with anything unexpected. I'll find out Tuesday after the holiday. 

In recent weeks i had been trying to eat better... and be more physically active. But this weeks weather had led itself to be a bit more difficult than I originally expected. The fall back into old habits happened rather quickly. Ice Cream every night... No evening walks... mixed with Fast food nearly every day this week. I had been holding steady at 262lbs for the last two weeks... which was up a pound once I started to falter on the diet and exercise. I weigh myself on Sundays... However when I was at the doctor I weighed in at 268lbs... Granted... i had all my clothes on... and my cell / wallet / and keys... So I'm thinking by Sunday I'm going to weigh about 264-265lbs. Not a dramatic increase... but still its in a direction I really don't want to be going in. I keep thinking to myself that i am going to get back on the wagon tomorrow... but tomorrow never comes because its always today. I have my Shrink appointment on Thursday of next week... and I am going to talk to him about going off of one of my medications because I've gained 20lbs since going on it... and I haven't seen any real significate impact from taking the medication over the last 6 months that I've been on it. I've started taking two different supplements One for Testosterone... and one for Memory. It's been nearly a month since I've been on them and I haven't noticed any major benefits. I figure i will give it another 2-3 months and see if that does anything... if not I'll probably go off those too. The Memory supplement seems to be working. I am able to recall things in the short term somewhat easier... and I'm able to remember things from my distant past easier. However I am still unable to quote conversations from the past or present like I could do when I was young. 

Work has been going well... and I'm now off of Social Security. I've had some issues over the past 6 months with getting to work on time. But so far I haven't had any major fuck ups. Day to Day its a relaxed atmosphere... even during the busy times. They don't last more than a few hours. I've been on the look out for another job with better pay and better benefits, but nothing has really caught my eye. Time will tell. Really I'm back to basics with everything. I managed to get my Comptia A+ Certificate this spring, and also my Jamf Certified Associate certificate. Next on the list is my ECMS Exam... but I figure I have about a year before it needs to get completed. I just hope they don't change the exam on me while I do my self study. Being back in the workforce is rewarding though. It keeps me out of trouble. I've basically given up Drinking... No drugs either. The only battle I'm still fighting is between me and Cigarettes. I'm not sure why it's this difficult for me to quit now... when I did it so easily at the beginning of the year. I went roughly 74 days without smoking a cigarette until I met up with one of my friends for a drink at the bar. I blame myself though. He may have offered one to me... but it was still on me to say no.  As a result I've been on and off the patch since March. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it. Maybe its the weather. Or maybe its because I've hit a resistance wall that I'm not seeing through. Clearly it makes sense for me to quit. Both financially and health wise. I think it might have someone to do with my image... how people perceive me... and a sense of independence that says "I do what I want." - Childish reasonings really. I think when I first went back to cigarettes there was some degree of "fun" to it that I'll be smoking with my friends again and having great conversations. But the great conversations are not reliant on me having the ability to smoke cigarettes with them. Truth is there's only one real friend left.. and he doesn't care if I smoke or not. He just wants me to be happy. My Fiancé wants me to quit. I think to her it's not a matter of saving money... It's more so a matter of me living longer. She doesn't want to marry someone that is going to die on her in 5 years. The money saved will be a good thing... averaging now at nearly 12 dollars a pack... $12 x 365 = $4380. An extra 4380 in savings every year would definitely be a good thing. That's extra car payments... extra vacation money... and all around just a good amount of money to have laying around in the event of an emergency. Times that by 5 years and it's over $20,000 dollars that could go towards a house... relocation to another state... or just about anything we really want to do. I have hope though... I think I just need to reestablish the goal... and it will take hold and I will be successful in quitting.

I have a good idea for the summer to reduce my weight.. eat better... and improve my overall health. I'll write on a more regular basis from now on... And I might even add a few interesting stories to go along with it.