Strong Storms today...

I find it unusual that the weather outside seems to reflect my current mental status. Windy... with some showers. The last 24 hours or so have left me emotionally drained. It's hard for me to say why... but my go to pick me up isn't available thanks to the Corona Virus Lock down. What I would give right now to speak to a friend that isn't in my tight knit circle. Just someone new to talk to and hear about what's been going on in their lives would be good. I find that lately its been the same 3 or 4 people talking about the same 3 or 4 things and while I try to be supportive... my best efforts fall flat on helping them make any progress. I can say this though... I learned rather quickly that the single most strain on my mental health is anxiety and stress. When the stress level rises and I start to get anxious my internal voices start to come back. I found this out yesterday. The problem is there is zero chance that I will live the rest of my life inside some bubble that is 100% stress free all of the time. So as a result of that I question how I am going to end up dealing with stress when I do return to the work force... and if there is some other coping mechanism or medication that I could be taking in order to reduce my symptoms by 50% in a high stress situation. Life is made stressful... or as the Buddha would say... life is suffering. But if I cant reduce the suffering of my friends and loved ones... and I cant reduce my own suffering... am I living the best life I can live? Hardly I would assume. I think that I could return to work in the next 6 months providing I can get a handle on how I handle my stress... but with that said... I don't have the necessary insurance right now to put me into therapy on a weekly basis. And currently insurance is going to cost me $300 a month... Something I really don't have to spare right now.

I know it has only been a month... but I was hoping that the decision for disability would have been faster than it has been. I need to know because at the end of this month my TDI Benefits will run out and then im going to be forced back into the work force even though I do not feel healthy enough to return to work. This was illustrated yesterday when I was hearing both external and internal voices and late at night the damn bird came back.

The Bird has been a source of frustration for the last two summers just about. Every spring and summer I hear a bird... say 50 feet away and out of view.. It talks to me through a series of tweets usually responses directly to what I am thinking about. Now... CIA Conspiracies aside about who would have the technology to do such a thing... it becomes troublesome because sometimes it wouldn't go away and then I'm forced into listening a hallucination for hours on end. That's the external noise but its not just a simple bird.. sometimes its the people around me too... I once had an experience where I was out to dinner with my family and some kids in the room were being rather annoying... I though to myself "kids are demons" or something very similar and then one of the kids said "I'm a demon??? yeah i'm a demon" and then his tones and speak became demonic.. Not exactly the best conversation starter over dinner at a Chinese food restaurant.

Overall i'm trying to remain optimistic about everything... but grey days and an expanded waist line pull me down.

That's all for today...

-T.A Michaels

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