T.A. Michaels

I find it interesting that the stress of everyday life is what gets my symptoms most active. I've had an issue the past two days with hearing things that seem to be directed at me personally even though they were things like the radio on the car and people in houses in the neighborhood. These types of auditor hallucinations are the hardest for me to deal with because it wouldnt make any sense for them to happen. Logically the radio isnt talking to me specifically. It always happens at extremely low volume and ends whenever i turn up the radio. My medication is working fine in most instances but i find that when i am under stress these things pop up. I am still waiting for a decision from the Health Marketplace as to what medical insurance i qualify for so i am hoping that in the near future i have a decision on that so that i can start working with my doctor on finding the right medication to manage my symptoms. Rather than having to rely on the cheapest medication to manage my sym...

So, last friday i got my notification that i was approved for disability. I am really happy about the fact i no longer am waiting on a decision because now i can focus on my mental health recovery. While the first few days have been rather troublesome because i am looking over all of the things that i need to get done in order for me to get health care, its been rather good in a sense that i now know that i can focus on me for a bit without the constant fear or worry of reentering the workplace while sick. I have signed up for state health insurance and am currently waiting for a decision from them as to what i will qualify for. I figure if i have not heard anything back by Friday i will contact the state office and speak to someone directly. Affordable housing given my income level is a little rough. Most of the complexes in the nearby area all have wait lists which i am in the process of putting my name on, but i may have luck moving in with my best friend into a two bedroom apartm...

Today i feel a little under the weather due to my medication. I feel like my brain is in a fog and i could fall asleep at any minute... however when i go to lie down i cant seem to fall asleep. Its like this most mornings, however i think that the medication is starting to work better and as a result of that my morning pills are now having a greater effect than before. In the morning i take 1mg of Risperdone, 500 milligrams of depikote, and .5mg of cogentent. I think if i had something to do and get me up and moving it would not be as bad right now. But due to my girlfriend having the day off... and yard work with my friend getting cancelled... im in this sleepy state. maybe as the day goes on this will wear off. Thats all for now, -T.A. Michaels

Over the past few days I've had a few recent developments. An old friend of mine was looking for assistance around his yard and offered me a couple of hours to do some landscaping. Currently waiting on Disability I figured why not. The work isn't all that great. Most of it has been raking leaves and picking up sticks around his 1 acre of land. He's got about a months worth of work between reseeding.. pulling up moss... and getting his yard in shape for the summer so while I am out of work at this time awaiting a decision for disability... this gives me something to do so that way I'm not stuck in the house the whole time. Also, a friend of mine that offered me a position at his company back in February / March is still looking to hire me. I would take him up on the offer if its a guaranteed position... the only thing is I had a paranoid episode at Lowes yesterday and I am still not sure if I am ready to return to the workforce. At Lowes, i felt as if people were talki...

There's an internal struggle between waiting for information on disability and the urge to return back to work. My doctor recommended that i go on disability but its not really in my desire. I want to return to work. I just dont know if i'm healthy enough to return to work at this point. There are a few things i could be doing differently in order to improve my mental health.. its just going to take some time to impliment. Some of those things include getting myself into a regular diet and exercise routine. I have been walking now on almost all the nice days... but i think i need to do something a bit more extreme with the exercise such as online yoga or fitness videos. That way i can incorporate meditation into my routine. More to think about in the days ahead, -T.A. Michaels

I find it unusual that the weather outside seems to reflect my current mental status. Windy... with some showers. The last 24 hours or so have left me emotionally drained. It's hard for me to say why... but my go to pick me up isn't available thanks to the Corona Virus Lock down. What I would give right now to speak to a friend that isn't in my tight knit circle. Just someone new to talk to and hear about what's been going on in their lives would be good. I find that lately its been the same 3 or 4 people talking about the same 3 or 4 things and while I try to be supportive... my best efforts fall flat on helping them make any progress. I can say this though... I learned rather quickly that the single most strain on my mental health is anxiety and stress. When the stress level rises and I start to get anxious my internal voices start to come back. I found this out yesterday. The problem is there is zero chance that I will live the rest of my life inside some bubble that...

One side effect of attempting to quit smoking with the patch is the vivid and terrifying dreams that come along with the method. Nicotine patches in general are known to cause Vivid dreams and I don't know if it's just me but those dreams have turned into nightmares. One such dream which I just woke up from involved characters from the walking dead, a demonic cult, and child abduction. The dream faded away like any other but when I woke up I heard a voice saying "we make movies out of those." I find it interesting that the cure for my addiction is to further cause symptoms of my main disorder. With that said... I'm on day 9. Roughly 61 more days to go before I am considered an ex smoker. I've heard that quitting smoking is difficult for Schizoaffective people because of the way the brain is wired and the medication that is used to treat it. I'm up for the day now... and really I don't have much on the agenda. My Girlfriend gets out of work at 3pm tod...

A lot of my issue right now is dealing with things that are outside of my control but ultimately will have an impact on my life. Right now it's sort of a waiting game to see what the future holds and while i'm cautiously optimistic it's hard for me to not have a general sense of restlessness as a result of not knowing the future. What's the next step? I don't know yet and it's hard for me to determine where i should be directing my energy. I know that i need to start getting more physically active... but it seems like the "April Showers" has come in way earlier than anticipated as the last 7 out of 11 days have been grey / Cloudy or just straight up rain. It makes getting outdoors impossible. Also, due to corona the state has shut down all state and federal parks so its a bit annoying that the only place that i'll be able to go walking is either downtown among the tall buildings... or around the neighborhood. I lost a pound though. My weight is n...