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Showing posts from 2020

I find it funny...

 I find it funny that im starting to fall into depression. Considering the fact that i have plenty to be feeling good about... I find im struggling in a lot of areas right now. I know that as i get into a good daily routine things will get better. I've only been living in my new apartment for 2 weeks now. And while im out of the toxic situation that i was living in previously... im still dealing with the Hateful and destructive shit that got pumped into my head over the last month and a half. While I cant put much stock in the things my old roommate said... it still had an effect on me. It further damaged my self esteem and self confidence. Being called your shit by someone that has an addiction problem and largely had no value for life... really made me feel like less than human. In the end... im better off no longer in that situation. Between the neighborhood antics... to living with angry abusive destructive alcoholic.... It made to much sense to move. I find some bit of sadness...

Almost the New Year... and I've got plans

 I don't mean plans for New Years Eve... I mean plans that I want to accomplish over the course of the next year. 2020 had a lot going on, aside from the global pandemic. Its the individual stories that probably matter the most. From going on disability... To Moving into an apartment with a friend... rescuing two kittens... Losing my grandfather which has effected me more than I realized... To Getting back into the work force... My girlfriend going on TDI due to chronic anxiety... to the dissolve of the friendship with my roommate... to moving into a new place. This year has been full of items both good and bad... expected and unexpected. The thing i want to do in 2021... most of all... Is relax. The every day hustle and bustle isn't what bothers me.. Its the things that are beyond my control which often make it hard for me to keep happy about. Right now I've got so much good going on in my life but really I feel kind sad. I don't know if its because of the items that I...

Tossing the Match at the End of the Bridge

There's been a lot that's happened since the end of October. One thing of note has been the downfall of my friendship with my roommate.  His alcoholism led to a rather troubled night in early November and as a result of that I have decided to move. I get the keys to the place on Tuesday. Sight unseen due to the Covid pandemic. It makes me a bit nervous wondering exactly what it is that i am moving into. But I'm cautiously optimistic to final feel like I'm reaching the end of a bridge which i got on a few years back when I initially became unhealthy due to my medication not being correct. The area i am moving into is nice. Away from the problems in the city. More so situated in the suburbs. Not to far from my favorite spots... but at the same time far enough away that my troubles wont haunt me. As for the roommate.... I do feel a bit of guilt leaving him to his own devices. Will he find peace... or will he continue troubled in his alcoholism until he has nothing left. I ...

Halloween 2020

 Less than a week until the election. I know i voted already... So there's little left to say. At least i exercised my rights to vote. Many countries dont have that right...even if they say they do. No Tricks or Treats for me tonight. A quiet night in with my girlfriend. She's taking a bath now while i take care of some things. Looks like tomorrow i am going to go with my mom to help her buy a car. She is looking at a small SUV. I think its because it would be easier for her and my dad to go places. Risky plays are risky plays. And All it takes is time. It snowed here yesterday. The first of many snow storms from what i can imagine of this winter. We change the clocks tonight. Its kind of rough to be honest.  While things look good right now... I'm not counting any chickens. Things could change in a day.

What is there left to write?

 Today the apartment is getting shown. It seems like this happens once a week now. Someone walks through with a perspective buyer... and nothing comes of it. Personally i feel a little aggravated because of it. Mainly because... well... i guess it just does.

A Plan for the Rest of the Year

Truth is... With October half done I'm starting to question what the rest of the year is going to look like. I have a basic plan. Not a very complex and detailed one like I would normally get into... But rather a loosely put together agenda for the rest of the year. Quitting smoking is no longer on the table. I've tried and failed far to many times for it to be on the table anymore. I think when i do finally quit smoking it will make a world of difference... but i dont have the willpower and stamina to complete the objective. I'd have to hide nicotine patches all over in order for me to achieve the desired outcome. If i had a box at my house. A box at my girlfriends... and a box in the car... Then and only then might i be able to do it. But truth is i dont. The sweet allure of smoking is still to great for me to let go of. Even though i know that it does nothing for me. Maybe it has to do with my medication. Any Medication that can cause one to develop a gambling disorder p...

In the mountains.

 This weekend my girlfriend and I decided to take a trip up to NH. We got up here yesterday and so far its been a really relaxing trip. Tonight there is a thunderstorm going on in the area and it made for an interesting ride back to the hotel. The weather was nice today though.. mid 70's so we cleaned out my car and went for a ride with the top down. I've found that i've developed an irrational fear of driving though. When the speed limit is 70 im doing 65. Even though when i was a teenager i could do 90 without a problem... i find im a bit more afraid of going that fast. Im not letting it spoil the trip... its just something that i've noticed. Even when im at home... the flow of traffic goes about 80 and i keep it to 70. One other thing i've noticed is that my night vision isnt what it used to be. One of my pills has a side effect of blurry vision.. and while theres nothing i can do about the side effect it makes it a bit upsetting that my night vision isnt what it...

2 months

 Two months has gone by now since i last wrote an entry. A bits changed since early august. My noisy downstairs neighbors moved out during September so there is a lot more quiet in the house. I'm still living in providence with a roommate and while his daily habits leave much to be desired... its better than still being at my parents. Not that my parents are bad people... i just felt that it was time to move on. I've been on the job just about three months now. Overall i have no complaints. Each day offer its own unique set of challenges i have to work through and its better than sitting around doing nothing. My boss is a good guy. And my coworker and i have interesting conversations about investing and stocks... aside from briefly skimming through our personal lives. Disability is set to run out soon. For anyone thats not aware... when you are on disability and return back to work they give you a grace period before the checks run out. I've had to adjust my work taxes as a...

Somethings a little different today.

I'm off from work today on bereavement. My Grandfather passed away over the weekend. I never really knew the man... except for stories from my father. I remember not being able to go to his 90th birthday party because i had to work the night of. Its interesting because he had been in the navy and literally was storming the beaches at Normandy long before i was even a dream. I have no more grandparents. Its an interesting realization because what it means is that my parents generation are going to be the next to pass on. Sad... but i'd prefer to outlive my parents... rather than the other way around.  Today i went on a drive with my dad to get him prepared for the funeral. Now i'm sitting with my girlfriend... me typing.. her reading her book. The job is going well so far. 

A good Weekend.

This has been a good weekend for me. Friday night my girlfriend and I got a hotel room in CT. She wanted to go to Lavender Pond Farm on Saturday so i thought it would be a good break from the city to get a hotel room near the place. The room featured two king size beds and two TVs. We ordered pizza on grub hub and relaxed for the night. In the morning on Saturday we went to the farm. She picked up a jar of Lavender Honey which actually tastes pretty good. I took route 1 north back for as much of the way as possible.  Hopping on 95 north when i had to. the trip home took about 4 hours but it was fun. When we got back home we made gourmet hotdogs for dinner. I dropped her home around 7 and had a few beers afterwards. Today has been good. I went and got my oil changed, then afterwards i got a hair cut, and just wrapped up laundry. I'm going to go walking in a few minutes despite the 90 degree heat. I wanted to go to the gym today but i really am just running out of time. I'm meeti...

It's been a while

I got a new laptop today. My old one was sold because i was running low on money and needed something to tide me over. A lots changed since my last post. I started the job with my friend. He's actually the one that sold me this laptop. I think it was a fair deal. The new job is good. It's at a non profit that specializes in helping those in need. The position is a hybrid position. Basically its a combination of system administration and help desk. There's three people in the department including my friend. My coworker seems to be a good guy. Likes politics and the stock market. Those are two good topics of conversation in my book. Part of the job involves going to the satellite offices and doing computer troubleshooting and equipment installations. The pay isn't the best, in comparison to some of the other positions I've had over the years. But... considering the fact I'm still dealing with psychotic symptoms on and off I find that the work environment is not as...

Strange days

Its interesting right. I dont know if its that i moved into the wrong part of town... or if the town changed because i moved in. Everything i've been seeing about my section of the city doesnt at all seem sustainable. Really. If this is how things have always have been... How has it been allowed to go on for so long. Fireworks until 2 in the morning... Parties every night. Loud music every day. I dont get it. Is it that these people dont work therefor dont care? Or is it that no one is enforcing the laws in the area. That leads me to think that we are in total anarchy. I wonder if its like this in every major city. Where the citizens of the streets dictate how everything goes. I question if moving down the street by a quarter mile would have any impact on my quality of life. I question how everyone gets a long and there isnt massive riots in the street. personally im a bit fed up with it all. I cant stand the constant noise. First off i have a hard time determining if its real or n...

Sunday Morning Vibes

I dont know if it's the medication... or some other thing which has taken over... but lately i havent really been in the mood to get out of bed. I am wondering what i can do to break through this type of depression and move towards being motivated and happy again. Im not saying that im unable to function... what i am saying is that for the past few months my mind has revolved around how i am going to accomplish everything that i want to accomplish... and typically at the end of the day the todo pile looks just the same as it did when i woke up in the morning. I am getting to the point where i am questioning a lot of things about my current mental health. I know that by abstaining from alcohol i feel better... the paranoid feelings dont hit as hard and i am 10 times more likely to remember to take my pills every morning and night provided i dont drink alcohol. On days where i miss my morning or evening pills i find that i have mild anxiety and paranoid symptoms for a few days after ...

Broken Dreams

I had a rather shitty nights sleep last night. I don't think I got to sleep until after 3:00am... and I kept waking up every hour. Each time I woke up I remembered having a very vivid dream. One dream I had was about my girlfriend getting married to someone other than me. Another dream I had was about my old place of employment hiring me back on full time and giving me a second chance. Another dream I had was about being in an office building which was about to collapse. I'm the type of guy that looks into dreams. Hoping they can provide some meaning... I've heard before that dreams are ones way of processing information and can result from hidden insecurities. I think that the dreams I had last night were trying to tell me something but what I have no idea. There was a time period where I went years without dreaming. Then when I did have a dream I would get so hung up on it that to this day... some of the dreams I had 12 years ago are still in my head.  In other news... it...

Symptom Update.

Over the past few days my symptoms have been unusual. What I once thought was background noise reacting to my thoughts... now appears to be actual people reacting to my thoughts. When I am having chaotic thoughts there are people around which are just out of sight at the time they are speaking... but they are responding to the conversations me and my roommates are having as well as responding to my thoughts.  The most intrusive of these thoughts is when I hear someone who is far away (for instance my sister) chime in. It's hard to determine if there is some psychic link which is teaming up our brains... or if its an auditory hallucination which is causing the noises. It becomes disruptive most because it distracts me away from the present. Almost as if my narrative is attempting to say something along the JC/AC Path which is entirely unrealistic. I blame Christianity for ever putting that book in the damn bible.  At present... I am still trying to get into a good routine. I've...

It's June.

So... I've lived in this new place for about a month now. My roommate finally moved in on May 31st. I now have health insurance as of yesterday. I have a doctors appointment today at 11:10 am. Things feel like they are finally starting to fall into place and I can start working on my mental health. I am hoping my appointment today goes well. I want to work on finding the right medication for me. Now that I have health insurance I can afford better medication.  I am also working on studying for my AZ-900 exam. Its the first in the Microsoft Azure Cloud certifications. Here's to a good 12 months.

Symptom check in

I'm still dealing with a bit of paranoid delusions. It seems every where I go I hear music or someone talking about me. I never "see" them talking... I just hear it. It makes it tough to make eye contact anymore. I don't seem to have the problem in one on one sessions however there was an instance two days ago where someone said "I would have if you weren't seeing someone" Meanwhile I did say a word before or after I heard it. I also wasn't making direct eye contact when I heard it. it was in a one on one session so its hard to determine if it was something that actually happened.. or if its just a miss wiring in my braid which triggered an external auditor hallucination.  My health insurance starts June 1st... So I am hoping that with that I can finally start looking at alternate medication. I have been on the risperidone since the end of the year and it seems like i'm sitting around 40% of my mental sanity. I am hoping that I can work with my d...

A Book

After seeing a friend recently use Amazon Publishing for a book he wrote... I have decided that I am going to do the same thing and write a book on my experience in the IT Industry. I was in the IT Industry for over 16 years prior to my going out on Disability and I feel that the information I have contained inside me can be helpful for those that are just entering the field. I Am going to start working on an outline today... and hopefully will have it written in the next few months.  That's all for today. -T.A. Michaels

Some positive news

While my roommate hasn't yet moved in, I do have some positive new to report. It seems like my noisy downstairs neighbors are no longer blasting music. It sucked for a few days as they had there sound system up very loud. At the request of my girlfriend... rather than confronting them about it... I contacted my landlord and he seemed to take care of the matter. The upstairs neighbors I cant really do anything about their noise. The issue is they have two little kids and while they run around their apartment and bang on the floor when they are doing it... they're kids... so I can forgive that. But I couple of guys living below me being ignorant of how loud there sound system is... that's something I can do something about.  Sorry I killed the party guys... In other news... Ash and Matcha are doing well. They appear to be adjusting to life with me. We took them to the vet the other day and found out they have ear mites... and that they might have worms. We gave them one treat...

Mothers Day

Normally for Mothers day I take my mom to one of the coastal cities and we get lunch at a restaurant. This year I didn't have that option due to all the restaurants being closed. Instead I took her out to get lunch (She paid)… and then brought her to go meet my kittens. It wasn't exactly a long day together... or the most fancy... but she had a good time none the less. The last thing she said to me was a bit troublesome though... She said it was better than last year. I cant for the life of me remember what we did last year for mothers day. I know it was a departure from the usual tradition... but i'm having a memory lapse on exactly what we did. I know that on May 3rd of last year in a paranoid delusion I quit my job thinking that my coworkers were going to kill me and my family. So given that Mothers day is the first or second weekend in may I cannot assume that my condition on that day was in great shape. Last year around this time I was in much worse shape than I am tod...

A Leveling out of symptoms

On this cold day in New England... I've found that my symptoms from the beginning of moving in have started to diminish. The initial stress of moving has worn off a little bit and as a result I am finally getting adjusted to my environment. The auditor hallucinations which were so strong the first night have subsided. Last night was the first good night of sleep I've had since moving in. I woke up around 6:00am this morning and laid in bed until about 8. At that time I ended up going to get breakfast and then coming home to clean up. I'm taking a very brief break. I think that in order to maintain some structure in my life I need to have a list of daily chores that I can accomplish. If I do these things every day it would take a little under an hour to complete... so the goal would be to do them every day. Today I need to go to Walmart to buy some towels. I only have two and I feel like I should have at least a few more to cover me throughout an entire week. The other opt...

Mood Swings without cause

I'm finding that my mood has been swinging from sad to angry for no reason. Generally I'd say I should be happy given my circumstances.. But I feel deep down as if this was all rushed upon me and I'm a bit upset about it. The only one that rushed things was myself. So I'm mad at myself for being impulsive and making decisions that were geared towards immediate gratification rather than looking at the potential long term effects of my decisions. I'm sad about the fact that I cant really undo what I've done. Not to say that I would if I could... If I didn't move last week I wouldn't have been able to take in the two kittens... if I couldn't take in the two kittens they probably would have died of exposure by now. It's somewhat weird to think that a week ago I was living with my parents... and now im living on my own. This isn't the first time I lived on my own. from 20-22.... 26-27... 30-33... Each one had a lesson tied to it. It's not th...

Still Working on adjusting

Today I signed up for healthcare. Based on the tax credit its not to expensive for me to afford. Roughly $70 a month for Health and Dental. The plus side of this is that I have a $5 copay for all my office visits with my Medication manager. Considering the fact that at one point I was paying $125 dollars for each visit its a good thing. I can also now look into getting a therapist for some of my trust and abandonment issues. I had been seeing one last October but had to stop when I lost coverage. I've been a little stressed lately with everything that's going on. Last night it sounded like someone was walking up and down the back stairs which only seemed to happen when I was alone in the house. When my girlfriend came over the noise stopped. I'm not sure if it was real or not. The downstairs neighbors had a cinco de mayo party which lasted until midnight. I'm not up for meeting the neighbors yet considering everything I was hearing. Whether it was real or not i'm no...

The new addition.

Two days ago my girlfriend found out that there were three kittens in her friends yard that appeared to have been abandoned by their mother. She had planned on going Friday to check on the kittens and take them home providing they were in good health and didn't look sick. Overnight one of the kittens had died so we went to her friends house to pick up the kittens. One is grey with a white patch and the other looks like a Mainecoon mix. My girlfriend isn't allowed to have cats at her apartment because her roommate is allergic... and her friend couldn't keep the them... So I now I two super tiny kittens. I was worried originally when my girlfriend said she wanted a cat because in the state that i'm in I don't know if I am stable enough to care for another life form. Now I have two life forms to take care of. They're cute though... Ones a poof ball. They are both Male and they are named Macha (Poof) and Ash. Last night was a little tough because it was their firs...

A new apartment.

So, as of the first of May I have moved into a new apartment. My best friend jumped on the idea when I made mention that I wanted to get a one or two bedroom apartment and he indicated to me that he was willing to be my roommate. My first choice would have been to move into a place with my girlfriend as her lease is going to be up in June, but her and her roommate had discussed options and she decided to stay for another year. The two bedroom I am currently living in has green walls in every room except the kitchen. It seems like it needed to have been off market for another month as there was furniture still in the apartment when he handed us the keys. While its not the worst thing in the world to get a free chair and fake fireplace... I could have done without all the dirt and dust that's in the apartment. Over the last two days I had moved in most of my furniture and clothes into the place. It's located on the second floor of a four floor house. My upstairs neighbors have ...

The stress of every day life

I find it interesting that the stress of everyday life is what gets my symptoms most active. I've had an issue the past two days with hearing things that seem to be directed at me personally even though they were things like the radio on the car and people in houses in the neighborhood. These types of auditor hallucinations are the hardest for me to deal with because it wouldnt make any sense for them to happen. Logically the radio isnt talking to me specifically. It always happens at extremely low volume and ends whenever i turn up the radio. My medication is working fine in most instances but i find that when i am under stress these things pop up. I am still waiting for a decision from the Health Marketplace as to what medical insurance i qualify for so i am hoping that in the near future i have a decision on that so that i can start working with my doctor on finding the right medication to manage my symptoms. Rather than having to rely on the cheapest medication to manage my sym...

Disability and Affordable Housing

So, last friday i got my notification that i was approved for disability. I am really happy about the fact i no longer am waiting on a decision because now i can focus on my mental health recovery. While the first few days have been rather troublesome because i am looking over all of the things that i need to get done in order for me to get health care, its been rather good in a sense that i now know that i can focus on me for a bit without the constant fear or worry of reentering the workplace while sick. I have signed up for state health insurance and am currently waiting for a decision from them as to what i will qualify for. I figure if i have not heard anything back by Friday i will contact the state office and speak to someone directly. Affordable housing given my income level is a little rough. Most of the complexes in the nearby area all have wait lists which i am in the process of putting my name on, but i may have luck moving in with my best friend into a two bedroom apartm...

Medication Side Effects...

Today i feel a little under the weather due to my medication. I feel like my brain is in a fog and i could fall asleep at any minute... however when i go to lie down i cant seem to fall asleep. Its like this most mornings, however i think that the medication is starting to work better and as a result of that my morning pills are now having a greater effect than before. In the morning i take 1mg of Risperdone, 500 milligrams of depikote, and .5mg of cogentent. I think if i had something to do and get me up and moving it would not be as bad right now. But due to my girlfriend having the day off... and yard work with my friend getting cancelled... im in this sleepy state. maybe as the day goes on this will wear off. Thats all for now, -T.A. Michaels

Recent Developments and Symptom Update

Over the past few days I've had a few recent developments. An old friend of mine was looking for assistance around his yard and offered me a couple of hours to do some landscaping. Currently waiting on Disability I figured why not. The work isn't all that great. Most of it has been raking leaves and picking up sticks around his 1 acre of land. He's got about a months worth of work between reseeding.. pulling up moss... and getting his yard in shape for the summer so while I am out of work at this time awaiting a decision for disability... this gives me something to do so that way I'm not stuck in the house the whole time. Also, a friend of mine that offered me a position at his company back in February / March is still looking to hire me. I would take him up on the offer if its a guaranteed position... the only thing is I had a paranoid episode at Lowes yesterday and I am still not sure if I am ready to return to the workforce. At Lowes, i felt as if people were talki...

The struggle

There's an internal struggle between waiting for information on disability and the urge to return back to work. My doctor recommended that i go on disability but its not really in my desire. I want to return to work. I just dont know if i'm healthy enough to return to work at this point. There are a few things i could be doing differently in order to improve my mental health.. its just going to take some time to impliment. Some of those things include getting myself into a regular diet and exercise routine. I have been walking now on almost all the nice days... but i think i need to do something a bit more extreme with the exercise such as online yoga or fitness videos. That way i can incorporate meditation into my routine. More to think about in the days ahead, -T.A. Michaels

Strong Storms today...

I find it unusual that the weather outside seems to reflect my current mental status. Windy... with some showers. The last 24 hours or so have left me emotionally drained. It's hard for me to say why... but my go to pick me up isn't available thanks to the Corona Virus Lock down. What I would give right now to speak to a friend that isn't in my tight knit circle. Just someone new to talk to and hear about what's been going on in their lives would be good. I find that lately its been the same 3 or 4 people talking about the same 3 or 4 things and while I try to be supportive... my best efforts fall flat on helping them make any progress. I can say this though... I learned rather quickly that the single most strain on my mental health is anxiety and stress. When the stress level rises and I start to get anxious my internal voices start to come back. I found this out yesterday. The problem is there is zero chance that I will live the rest of my life inside some bubble that...

Weird Dreams

One side effect of attempting to quit smoking with the patch is the vivid and terrifying dreams that come along with the method. Nicotine patches in general are known to cause Vivid dreams and I don't know if it's just me but those dreams have turned into nightmares. One such dream which I just woke up from involved characters from the walking dead, a demonic cult, and child abduction. The dream faded away like any other but when I woke up I heard a voice saying "we make movies out of those." I find it interesting that the cure for my addiction is to further cause symptoms of my main disorder. With that said... I'm on day 9. Roughly 61 more days to go before I am considered an ex smoker. I've heard that quitting smoking is difficult for Schizoaffective people because of the way the brain is wired and the medication that is used to treat it. I'm up for the day now... and really I don't have much on the agenda. My Girlfriend gets out of work at 3pm tod...

The Serenity Prayer

A lot of my issue right now is dealing with things that are outside of my control but ultimately will have an impact on my life. Right now it's sort of a waiting game to see what the future holds and while i'm cautiously optimistic it's hard for me to not have a general sense of restlessness as a result of not knowing the future. What's the next step? I don't know yet and it's hard for me to determine where i should be directing my energy. I know that i need to start getting more physically active... but it seems like the "April Showers" has come in way earlier than anticipated as the last 7 out of 11 days have been grey / Cloudy or just straight up rain. It makes getting outdoors impossible. Also, due to corona the state has shut down all state and federal parks so its a bit annoying that the only place that i'll be able to go walking is either downtown among the tall buildings... or around the neighborhood. I lost a pound though. My weight is n...

Rainy Weekend

I have a lot to be thankful for these days. Spending time with my girlfriend while she has been on vacation has been really fun. We have been watching a lot of movies as well as binge watching the office. I never really got into the series when it was on TV but having the ability to watch the episodes back to back is awesome. I haven't been as active as i would have liked during her vacation. I was hoping that we would get out every day to go walking or that at the least i would have gotten into my exercise routine by now. I'm not saying that it is a bad thing... but it's something that i would have liked to have gotten started with. With that said... there's only been two days where it wasnt raining and cloudy. On the nice days, we did make a push to get outside. With all that said. I'm happy. My symptoms are low. With the exception of "Cop" coming up occasionally i think the additional medication is helping. There are some side effects while i'll g...

Worried about weight - fitness

I am worried about my increase in weight. At last check I was at 236.4 which is the highest I've weighed since 2016. What I need to start doing is eating a bit healthier. I'm in the process of working on an exercise routine that can be done in house and be done every day... So now the trick is to change my diet so that I can start to lose weight. My girlfriend is currently on vacation for the next 7 days... And she is a pescatarian so I am planning that we cook home cooked meals while she is on vacation rather than getting fast food as per our usual routine. I feel that a week of cooking will help jump start the process of getting us to eat home more rather than less. I am making a shopping list of things to buy this week at the market. So here's hoping I come up with some good ideas. That's all for today, -T.A. Michaels

Routine Chores

This morning I got back from my girlfriend's house around 7am. When I got home I started cleanup around the house. Cleaned up my room... Made the bed... Got laundry ready to go... made the trash... and cleaned up my desk. I've got about a half hour until I am going to bring my mom to her doctors appointment. Then after the appointment I don't really have anything on my agenda for the day. My girlfriend gets out of work at 4:00 PM Today and when she gets out she is coming down to my house. I may do laundry when I get back to the house. I don't have a lot to do... but I have enough to cover one load. I'm also planning on cleaning out the back of my trunk. I have a lot of trash and clothing which has been building up over the winter. Cleaning that out is not a priority right now. But with that said... it would be nice to have a clean trunk again. Depends on the weather I guess. My symptoms appear to be getting better in terms of how I feel with internal chatter. With...

Exercise is good for the soul.

So... Yesterday I made it a point to get 10,000 steps in throughout the day. This included a 2.25 Mile walk with one of my friends around a lake in the area. Then once my girlfriend got out of work at 6:00pm her and I went for another 1.5 mile walk on a walking path near her house. Today... I loaded up my bike onto the back of my car and did a 7 mile bike ride on one of the bike paths in my area. Total time was about 45 minutes to complete. I burned about 300 calories. My mental health right now is good. I wont say it's great... with the Corona virus closing virtually every business in the area it's hard for me to tell if the paranoid feeling is still there because I'm not out in public. What I can tell is that when I went to get gas this morning I didn't have the feeling that the cameras were secretly being monitored by the government in an attempt to track my whereabouts. That had been a common feeling I had with everything because we live in the age of surveillance...

High Concentration of Symptoms today

I've been hearing a lot of internal chatter today coming from an unknown source. While external voices has been at a low in the last couple of days I found that internal voices are screaming at me telling me that I'm making the wrong moves in life. While I find this very unpleasant I am trying to not put any stock into what the voices are saying and "going with the flow" of things. Best not to wake a sleeping giant in the event I am over reacting to the situations. I had a new idea which I am going to run by a few people to see if any of them are interested. I am not sure what the result would be but I think it would be worth a shot. My girlfriend is getting out of work right around now and heading to my house soon so I cleaned the place up a bit. I'm hoping that we have a relaxing evening together but time will ultimately tell. That's all for now -T.A. Michaels

Sometimes the best intentions fall flat.

Last night I missed my medication. Not on purpose. My girlfriend and I had gotten a room at a bed and breakfast to celebrate her birthday. After getting out of the jacuzzi I felt really unwell. As a result we decided to take an hour nap afterwards. I found that when I woke up after the hour was over I was dripping in sweet and I was having a hard time remaining awake. I ended up nodding in an out of consciousness for a couple of hours while she was left alone and afraid. Afraid of everything that was going on in the world... and afraid of the bumps and creeks in the old Victorian style B&B. I missed my medication which lead to me waking up several times throughout the night... I woke up before dawn finally and watched the sun rise. Around 7:30am I got up and got dressed to go have a cigarette (Still having trouble quitting). When I came back into the room I started running a bath for her and woke her up. She decided she just wanted to go home. We are now back at my place and she...

Recent Developments on Employment and Mental Health

I had an appointment with my doctor this past Wednesday. He advised me to apply for Social Security due to my current mental state. He stated that it would be best because it was give us more time in order to figure out the proper medication that I will need rather than trying to rush things while I am on Temporary Disability. This comes as somewhat hard news for me because I am trying to figure out how to adjust my life. Social Security will not be a lot of money... But I will qualify for benefits which should allow me to have health care again seeing as I haven't had any since getting laid off back in October. Paying for every medication and Doctor visit at full price hasn't been easy. In fact it hasn't been good at all. Some weeks I've been left in the red due to the cost of the medication. I have recently switched pharmacies due to this because Walmart has my drugs at a much lower cost than CVS when it comes to paying for them without health insurance. I have been u...

Where i see myself in a year...

My WIAG (Wildly Incredible Ambitious Goal) for the coming year is to quit smoking cigarettes for good. Tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday. One of my gifts to her is going to be to quit smoking cigarettes. I feel that it would be something important for the two of us because she wants me to live a long time. By continuing to smoke cigarettes I know that its entirely possible that I may shorten my life in such a way that it becomes painful towards the end of my life. I could have several health problems as a result that run in my family and I would not want to bring that on anyone else. I feel that it is selfish for me to continue to smoke because even though it is a highly addictive substance, It does not take into account what other people in my life would want for me. Today is my last day smoking. I am not buying another pack of cigarettes and when I decide the time is right today I am going to put on a nicotine patch. The concept of having fresher breath. Not smelling like smok...

Symptom Update

This past weekend had it's mix of ups and downs. Overall today I feel like I am in a positive mood. I found out that the job I thought I was going to have an interview with may fall through. It's kinda sad because I was ready to get back to work and give things another try but that doesn't seem to be in the cards according to my friend who works there. My sleep schedule was a little messed up on Saturday night. Between changing the clocks... and cat sitting for a friend. I didn't get much sleep. There was an emergency situation which popped up Saturday evening which I needed to help out with. I wont get into details but it put my emotions on high alert. Internal chatter has been low this weekend. My thoughts in my head being mostly only my thoughts and not having any intrusive chatter. I think the medication change is finally starting to take effect. External Voices still seem to be a problem in public spaces. But one thing at a time. That's all for today, -T....

Mental Health and Relationships.

One of the hardest part about having a mental health issue is having a happy stable relationship. The reason for this is pretty simple. While on the outside everything may look fine and dandy. On the inside, one or both people involved in the relationship is dealing with internal issues that they are trying desperately to keep under control so that it doesn't effect the relationship. There are two questions that come to mind when it comes to relationships. 1.) At what point in the dating game do you open up to the person you are dating regarding your mental health condition? 2.) Is it worth being open and honest about everything that is going through ones mind even if the possible repercussions of the honesty will cause friction or tension in the relationship? To answer question one... I will start from personal experience. In general, I have always been honest about my mental health condition. To friends, strangers, and potential relationship partners. I had several relation...

Possible Job Interview

So I applied for a job this week and have heard back from the hiring manager about a possible job interview. He is supposed to be getting back to me today on the details of when an interview may be scheduled. I am hoping that it is sooner than later because I don't know how much longer I have on disability and I would prefer to get into a job before it runs out. In other news, my symptoms are lower than expected over the last twenty four hours. While I did have a situation yesterday where I felt like people were talking about me... I realized that the people that were talking were people I had never met before and that the likelihood of them knowing anything about me was slim to none. It could be that they knew someone else with the same name who has a similar background. I have been trying to find the trigger for my symptoms... if there is one defining thing that brings them out it would be good to know, right? That's all for now, -T.A. Michaels

Today is a good day.

So, for the last 24 hours or so my symptoms have been light. I think this has to do with the medication having a better effect on my mental health. The internal voices are lower than they had been and while external voices are still existent, I feel that I am getting a better handle on tuning them out. Last night when my girlfriend got out of work, we went for a walk down a path near her house. We did about 2 miles on the walk as the weather was nicer than expected for the beginning of March. Afterwards we cooked dinner at her house where I ended up spending the night. We usually switch off nights between her house and my house. I was surprised because I only woke up once during the night and it was to use the bathroom. I had found that for the last week or so I had been waking up 3-4 times throughout the night. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medication or if it is just a restless sleep. I am hoping that by the end of next week I am sleeping soundly throughout the ...

Recent Developments

So, I was out with a friend earlier tonight... and I hear some troubling things around the place I was in. It was entirely packed which got my friend fired up but the news around the place was that someone I used to know was in danger. It troubled me because the person isn't in my life anymore and well.. I don't even know if they were talking about the same person. When I stepped outside for a smoke the TV sounded like it was talking to me directly rather than being a general audience kind of thing. Lastly... when my girlfriend laid down for the night and put on tiktok with headphones in... the noises coming from her headphones was talking about a possible situation that is definitely happening next weekend, just from the worst case scenario perspective. Can't win today. Hope tomorrow is better, -T.A. Michaels.

Broken Sleep

Last night was a little rough. I got a terrible nights sleep. For some reason after I took my pills my heart started racing. I'm not sure why but it took me a couple of hours to settle down and finally fall asleep. The dream I had was extremely vivid. I was cussing out a friend of mine at a car dealership. He was trying to explain every reason to the salesmen why they shouldn't sell the car to me and I got in a fight with him about how my life is compared to him. After about an hour or so of dreaming I woke up and used the bathroom and couldn't fall back to sleep until around 7am. I slept on and off until about noon today. I find with the medication I have extremely vivid dreams. It can make it difficult to snap out of them and return back to normal life when I wake up. With that said, I also understand the importance of sleep on a daily basis. I should be getting between 7 and 9 hours every day of uninterrupted sleep. I find that my finally thoughts before bed usually ha...

Symptom Update

It's 2:11pm in the afternoon and I am finding I am having a bit more trouble than I did yesterday. The ebbs and flows of my symptoms seem to be flaring up right now and I'm not exactly sure why. The passing traffic seems to have a voice of its own. My internal chatter isn't just my own personal voice at the moment but the nightmarish yells of past regrets and actions which may never have occurred. I would say this is one of my more manic states. I've had a hard time sitting down today for more than 20 minutes. I've been all over and haven't really seemed to accomplish much, with the exception of breakfast with my Dad. I did channel the energy for some good though. I cleaned living space up today, got my State taxes straightened out as there was an issue with them, and I even did a phone interview for a job. I want to get back to work as soon as possible, and while my last attempt at working didn't go so well, I am hoping that I am getting back into a mind ...

An Introduction

Hello There, I go by the pen name T.A. Michaels. I am a 34 Male and I have experienced mental health issues since I was 16 years old. At an early age, I was prone to constant worry and anxiety which left untreated turned into bi-polar depression. Due to circumstances I was involved in during my late teens and early twenties, at the age of 22 I suffered a nervous breakdown and started hearing voices. I was hospitalized twice in 2008 for paranoid delusions involving the government and also heard voices that were no existent, both internal and external. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Schizoaffective Disorder is a combination of the delusions and hallucinations of Schizophrenia and the mood related symptoms of Bi-Polar Disorder. Over the past 12 years, I have had multiple ups and downs due to the disorder. I am starting this blog as a way of assisting others with knowing more about one of the most severe types of mental illness. I am considered high functioning as when ...