T.A. Michaels

So, Today at 1:30pm I have a have an appointment with my Medication manager. My Med manager has been a part of my care team for over 4 years now and overall she's a Nurse Practitioner. Recently, I was watching T.V. with Katie and saw an advertisement for Cobenfy which is a medication that was FDA approved for Schizophrenia in 2023. Currently, I'm on Resperidone which is a dopamine blocker which has led to all sorts of problems in my life. Between 50 lbs of weight gain that i cant get off no matter how hard I try, to not feeling emotions having no reaction when things go good.... it's a bit shitty of a medication. But it was the best they had in the 60s and 70s and we always went based on the adage that if it isn't broke don't fix it. Today however, when i speak to my NP, I'm going to ask her about switching medications. If it assists in me losing weight, having less TD symptoms, and overall gives me a better outlook for the next 20 years then it's what i sho...

Tonight we are heading over our friends' house to have dinner and hang out for a while. December 10th isn't really a memorable date. But every year around this time of year things start to happen that give tiny moments like these a real feeling of warming. Today even, it was nearly 60 degrees at one point today and it made this brutal cold seem bearable. It's not safe to be outside during the darkest of winter. Cold brings out the worst in people, and overall it's hard to handle because it also brings out the despair in people. Merge the two together and you could be looking at a cold dark society which emerges in the spring jaded working every year to bring happiness into ones life only to suffer the cold dark winter the following year. Today i have hope though. Recently i was inspired after talking with people that care about me. The best part is... a renewed sense of hope can alter the mind in such a way... it's better than any drug or substance that you can use ...

I've been out of work for a considerable amount of time at this point. I had two temporary jobs in 2025 but neither of them really stuck as being long term. With that said, i still have to provide for my family. While this year i used quick fixes and patches to get my family through the year, I know that going into 2026 it is going to take hard work and dedication. That's why I've decided to abandon some of my smaller projects for just raking in money. I am planning to Drive for Uber from now until the foreseeable future. This will not be an easy task. But i feel that Setting a schedule to drive will be the most beneficial. Rather than waking up everyday, rolling out of bed, and hitting the road, I am going to be working from Noon to 10pm everyday. Uber allows a driver to drive for up to 12 hours within a 24 hour period. While 12 hours of driving per day is not healthy on either the body, or the car, Putting in a 60 hour work week is more respectable than giving up any day ...

While I've written plenty over my 30 years behind a keyboard, I'm most proud of my book. The Ramblings of a Schizo written by T.A. Michaels which i had self published through Amazon Earlier this year.  The book follows my early adulthood and the mental distress caused by bad doctors and symptom relapse of Schizo-affective disorder. While nothing can take back what has happened to me, After being through the ringer this year mentally... i can say that things would be much worse if i stopped taking my medication. Am I on the right medication? I can't say for certain. I know that being in public is a non-stop assault from strangers calling me things from pervert to crazy person and the only thing i can think of in that regard is the fact that my  Risperdal caused me to gain 60 pounds since going back on the medication in 2017.... And ever since Marjory Taylor Greene Infamously called every fat guy a creep, I've felt like I've been judged more for my weight than i have...

 Right now.... it is the little things that are getting me through the day. I know i have the love and support of Katie... and i am really hoping that this coming week brings with it an better wind for my sails to catch. I just need something to give to get us to the next step. What exactly that is, i'm not sure yet. But i am hoping that it comes in gently and sticks around for a while, rather than an overwhelming force that knocks me down the moment it hits. Although... fate twisting and being so good that it knocks me on my ass would be pretty cool. 

 The truth is... I'm worried about the future. It would seem like the end of my 3rd 13 year cycle is really more about closing one chapter and beginning to look towards a new future. I'm starting to think in terms of "Where do it want to be at 53?" The end of my 4th 13 year cycle. If I want to be in a position where i'm of sound mind and body... financially stable... and on solid ground... The changes need to be made today... rather than sometime off in the future.  Over the last 13 years (My drinking years).... I've been in rough shape despite having some of the best opportunities presented to me. Drugs and Alcohol really do fuck a persons life up... No matter what age you start trying them. But... can a soul be redeemed from the darkness once it's gone down the downward spiral to the pit of depression and addiction? I don't know.... but to hell with waiting around for things to change on their own... If they are going to change... it's going to b...

 Our cat Ash is watching out the window patiently  waiting for Katie to come home from work. I'm basically doing the same today. I was waiting on a phone call today which only has about another 45 minutes of happening. Because if it doesn't happen today, I don't know if it ever will. I think I've been blacklisted from IT in the State of Rhode Island due to the fact I've worked for 8 or so Managed Service Providers over the last 10 years and my reputation is far from stellar. It's not that i did bad work... it's more so that each company has it's only portion to hide and me being an insider could be a threat to their organizations. Or at least, that's my guess. We only have enough money for next months rent... After that it's gonna be chaotic around the house and in our lives. My hallucinations have been acting up far worse that usual. I was out in public and heard a woman yell out FRAUD like she was angry at me... even though i have no idea who s...

 So, seeing as I'm now out of work again I figure my current system isn't working. If i want to be successful in business and in life, then i need to get my basics down. Recently, I've started making sheets on excel to track what I'm doing everyday. they range everything from Diet and exercise to mood and symptoms. If i don't start tracking this stuff then I'm never going to make progress. While it's easy to put these items into practice using 1000s of apps... i found that just writing it all down on a few excel spreadsheets and tracking it by hand several times a day is a lot easier to remember. And it gets me off my phone. Lately I've be "Doom Scrolling" without any real purpose and what ends up happening is eventually the AI algorithm starts showing me videos of people dying in car crashes. Not exactly what makes me happy ya know. So I've got my lists and that's what I'll be working on for the foreseeable future while i attempt t...

 No sooner did i mention that I have a new job, was i laid off for excessive days off. It's really for the birds. Here i am a disabled person who wants to work... and I've had an incredibly hard time hold down a job this year. Whether it be manic episodes due to the medication my doctor put me on, or the company pulling a bait and switch and finding due to that I'm not qualified for the position, to being out sick a couple of days and getting let go... this year has been terrible. While I've had frequent thoughts of a permanent "Out" for myself from this life... it would seem like a waste to get from an unsuccessful suicide attempt in 2008 to giving it another go 17 years later. I feel like if i survived the first attempt... then i must be here on this planet for some reason so i need to make the best of my time. Even in poor health, an optimistic attitude can make the difference between healing or not.   I don't know what my plan is now. But, i know that ...